I hope

Agitated and overwhelmed

I was reading a bit earlier and did about 4 pages of Intuitive Eating. I haven’t read much lately, and I know I need to get back to it. However, I’m finding letting go of the dieting crap hard, and I guess that’s why I’m sidetracked.

My mom’s friend told her about this “great new diet plan” she found in a magazine. Apparently, it’s quite complicated, because my sister told my mother she’d just stick with Slim Fast… but my mother wanted to try it, because her friend, Deana, lost ELEVEN pounds in ONE week… and De doesn’t lose weight easily or have that much to lose. I don’t want to sound like some sort of twisted zealot, so I let my mom talk about the diet, but the whole time I’m thinking that a) I shouldn’t be hearing this because it will give me ideas I don’t want to have and b) I really don’t want to hear it, either… she knows I’m reading the book and my therapist’s thoughts on dieting, which mirror my own so perfectly. But I didn’t say anything because she’s my mother and well, I dunno. I really don’t.

Anyway, De “cheated” and got on the scale before another full week passed, and *shocking!* she was up a pound and a half. So still down over 9 pounds… but she felt horrible, deprived and gave up. She told my mother she’s tired of dieting, and my mother told De maybe she should read the book I’m reading. I was surprised… but seriously, this woman has been yo-yoing as badly - if not worse - as I have. She’s probably lost far more weight and gained it all back and then some more times… she has to have some eating restrictions because of medical issues (diabetes and really high cholesterol), but she is always doing some newfangled, crazy restrictive or specific diet… and it never lasts.

But back to tonight… I don’t know what’s going on with me. Rationally, I accept that diets have repeatedly failed me. Rationally, I accept that this process is going to take time. It’s not a quick fix, it’s a permanent fix, which is what I want. Emotionally, it’s hard to let go of the “quick fix” idea, especially when I’m feeling pressure - justified or not - from those in my world to lose weight… and that includes pressure from within.

I (we) have had so much going on that since starting therapy I’ve focused very little on my eating… which is fine, because my eating isn’t why I originally went back into therapy, and I know we’ll get there. However, this week I need to focus on it. I need to sort out some of what I’ve read, and talk it over with someone who is living this way… who doesn’t diet, who gained control of her eating through IE. Now, I don’t know if she ever had a “weight problem” I could relate to, but she did diet… and now she’s a very small, but healthy size.

She is working to start a support group, and I will find that so useful, I think. I am hoping it won’t be too far away or at a time I can’t possibly make, because I really want to go… and meet other people. Frankly, it would be nice to just make some friends, even casual ones. I don’t let people get that close anymore… it could happen, there are just variables that I have to consider… but this is a topic for another post.

So, I’m just trying to work through it. I actually had myself so stressed out, I was nearing a panic attack. Some fresh air and a glass of red wine later, I feel much better. I’m overcomplicating things… this is a process. It’s going to have ups and downs. That’s normal… I just have to try to relax and let it happen. I might not want to diet anymore, but I still want to lose some weight. How much, I don’t know or care, even. I have ideas, but it’s really irrelevant. If I don’t get my twisted relationship with food untwisted, I’ll never, ever keep off a single pound I lose. So, if it takes time to get to the point where a lost pound is one I’ll never find, I’m okay with it… but that doesn’t mean I won’t still long for it to happen NOW from time to time.

I realized that about five years ago, I started the New Year off by “eating sensibly” or “healthy” or whatever you’d like to call it. I bought a lot of stuff from the health food store, but nothing was officially off limits. It wasn’t Intuitive Eating, but it was the closest I’ve come to it since I was a small … I did this for about five weeks, and felt great. I was satisfied, mostly, with my food choices, eating enough to feel full but not stuffed, and I was overall content. Then I got on the scale. I’d lost only 2 pounds in five weeks. I was crushed and devastated and wound up rejoining WW a week or so later. After bingeing like crazy for several days, of course. So by the time I joined, the two pounds were back with a friend…

I realize now that with IE, I may have to accept slower rates of loss, when I do get to the point that I am losing. I don’t know, but I suspect this may be the case. In 2005, when I lost those 2 pounds in a bit over a month, all I could think was that’s like 24 pounds a year! That’s not even close to enough! Looking back, I could be down 50 pounds or so… instead of up like 50 pounds or so… now, I’m not saying the way I was eating was sustainable for that long, and I don’t think it was… but it’s the closest I’ve come to feeling like I had control - true control - over food. Really, it wasn’t even a control issue. I didn’t control food, and it didn’t control me… or at least, not as much. It was just food… now, I had cravings I didn’t indulge, and some foods were off limits in my mind, even though I was saying I could eat what I wanted… so inevitably, I probably would’ve wound up on a binge, but like I said… I was closer than I’d ever been before.

It’s all a matter of perspective. I can say that 25 pounds in a year is pathetic… and I did, back in 2005. Look where that attitude got me! I should point out, that it’s relative… for some, 25 pounds in a year is great, based on the criteria I was using at the time… basically, taking into account my weight and how far I had to go, 25 pounds was just not good enough. Not fast enough. It would take YEARS at that rate of loss.

Well, fast forward 2 years and I’m not better off. I’m worse off, in fact. Which is why I don’t plan to get near a scale for as long as I can avoid it. I know when I’ve lost or gained weight, based on how my underwear fit and how my engagement rings fit… and how I fit in a chair. I don’t need to know the specifics… it’s better, frankly, if I don’t.

I knew this wouldn’t be easy, but tonight it just became blatantly clear to me how difficult it will be. I believe - 100% - that it can work, but I also know that will only happen if I really work to make it happen. Being vigilant about how I feel during this process is going to be crucial.

And so, on Wednesday when I see Clara, I will make sure this is what we discuss. I’ve done some work on the “homework” she gave me, and will finish it, but I’m going to tell her I want to shelve it for now… and get back to it after Thanksgiving.

Especially with the holidays looming, and all my eating issues that relate to Christmas, I want to start addressing things with her. Before we have to fly back east and deal with a smörgåsbord of emotions and food, I want to have a more solid foundation under my feet, so I can really tune into my eating during that time. It’s not about right or wrong… just about being self-aware.